奥修：如何当好父母？保持自然就好，别听专家的话

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如何当好父母？保持自然就好，别听专家的话（中英）
原创 2017-06-20 OSHO

来自奥修每日分享

[A sannyasin, weeping, says: Something that came up during primal was that even though I see what my parents did to me I'm still doing the same thing to my kid. So many times my own needs get in the way of what she needs. I can't seem to give her any help. And I think I'm doing her harm.]

[ 一个门徒哭着说：在原始治疗团体里，我有些东西冒了出来，尽管我看到我父母对我所做的，但我仍然在对我的孩子做同样的事。所以很多时候我的需要妨碍了她的需要。我好像没办法给她任何帮助。我想我在伤害她。]

OSHO:

Mm mm. One thing to be understood -- that ordinarily whatsoever has been done by your parents becomes an engrained pattern; that is the only way you know what is to be done with the child. Whatsoever your mother did to you, that is the only way you know how to be with your child. So it is natural -- nothing to be worried about -- but now that you have become conscious that something has gone wrong in it.... It is good that you have become conscious, but now don't become worried about it so much, otherwise you will not be able to do anything. You are conscious that something that your mother did to you, you would not like to do to your child -- so become conscious; that's all that you can do! Whatsoever you are doing, become conscious.

奥修：

嗯，嗯。有件事你需要明白——通常来说，无论你的父母对你做了什么，它都会变成你根深蒂固的模式；那是你知道的如何对待孩子的唯一方式。无论你母亲对你做了什么，那你是知道的如何跟你的孩子相处的唯一方式。所以这很自然——不需要担心——但现在你已经意识到，有些东西出了错……你有意识到，这是好的，但现在不要太过担心它，不然你什么也做不了。你意识到，你母亲对你做的某些事，你不想重复到孩子身上——所以保持觉知；这是你唯一能做的！无论你做什么，都保持觉知。

And don't try to overcompensate -- that's what I think you are trying to do. Now you think you are not enough -- you are not giving enough love, enough care -- but whatsoever you can give, you can give! How can you give more? Do your utmost, and if you cannot do more, don't get depressed about it, otherwise your depression will harm the child.

不要试图过度补偿——我认为你在这样做。现在你觉得自己不够好——你没有给予足够的爱，足够的呵护——但无论你给得了什么，你都能给！你如何给更多？尽你所能，如果你给不了更多，也不要为此纠结，不然你的纠结会伤害孩子。

By and by you will start feeling that because of this child you are feeling inadequate, and you will take revenge. Because of this child you are suffering... this child is creating guilt in you. So whom are you going to take revenge with? -- with the child.

渐渐的你会开始觉得，因为这个孩子，你觉得自己不够好，你会采取报复。因为这个孩子，你在受苦……这个孩子让你愧疚。所以你要报复谁？孩子。

One thing -- you have become aware that you are not to do the same things; good. Now become aware, that's all. And when you start doing some old pattern, relax -- don't do it! And this over-compensation -- that you have to love much, and you have to become the greatest mother in the world -- this nonsense has to be dropped, otherwise you will feel so false, and that you are falling short of your ideals. You must be having some ideal now. Your mother has not done that idealistic thing; now you have the ideal and you have to do it with the child... and all idealism is dangerous.

有件事你意识到了——你不会做同样的事情，这很好。现在保持觉知，仅此而已。当你开始重复一些旧模式时，放松——不要做！这种过度补偿——你必须很爱孩子，你必须成为世界上最伟大的母亲——这很荒唐，把它放下，否则你会觉得错误百出，你达不到自己的理想标准。你现在一定有一些理想标准。你母亲并没有对你做那些理想的事；现在你有了理想标准，你必须做给孩子……所有的理想主义都是危险的。

So be realistic. Don't create a fiction. You must be living in a fiction. Never live with a should. Live with the is -- that's all there is. Whatever is, is.

所以要现实。不要编小说。你一定活在小说里。永远不要活在“应该”里。活在如是里——唯有如是。事情是什么就是什么。

If you can give this much love, this much love you have. How can you do more? From where will you bring more? And if you become worried too much about more, you will not be able to even give that much which you could have easily, because from this worry, depression, anxiety, guilt will arise and you will start feeling in a very bad space -- and because of this child! If there were no child, there would be no problem. So the child will become a problem. Drop all this nonsense!

如果你能给这么多的爱，那你就有这么多的爱。你怎么能给出更多？你要去哪里弄更多？如果你对更多太过担心，这么多你甚至都给不了，而你本可轻易给出，因为愧疚会从这份担忧、纠结和焦虑中升起，你会开始觉得自己处境非常糟糕——都是因为这个孩子！要是没孩子，就不会有麻烦。所以孩子成了麻烦。放下这些荒唐。

Simply be yourself. Whatsoever you do, do. More is not possible. Accept yourself! These shoulds are all condemnatory. This is how people move from one extreme to another.

只是做你自己。无论你做什么，就去做。更多是不可能的。接受你自己。那些“应该”全都是非难。人们就是这样从一个极端跑到另一个极端的。

The older generation used to think, the mothers used to think, that they were making great sacrifices for their children. They were always exhibiting that they were doing this and that. That was harmful, because love should not be a duty, and it should not be talked about. You love because you feel happy. You are not doing anything to the child; you are doing something because you love to do it. The child is not obliged to you, he is not to pay you back. You love to be a mother, and you should be grateful to the child.

老一辈经常认为，母亲经常认为，他们在为自己的孩子做出巨大的牺牲。他们总是展示自己在做这个做那个。这很伤人，因为爱不应该是一种责任，不应该谈论它。你爱，是因为你觉得开心。你并没有为孩子做什么；你在做一些事，是因为你爱做。孩子不会感激你，他不会回报你。你爱当母亲，你应该感激孩子。

But the older generation was not grateful to the child. They were always hoping that the child would be very very grateful, and when they found that the child was not grateful, they were very much frustrated.

但老一辈并不感激孩子。他们总是希望孩子会非常非常感激他们，当他们发现孩子并不感恩，他们会非常受挫。

Now you have moved to the other extreme. This is what can happen through primal and other things. Now you think that you are doing harm to the child. Your mother was thinking she is doing good, and then she did harm. Now you are thinking you are doing harm to the child. Just think -- even thinking she was doing good, harm happened through your mother, and now you are thinking that you are doing harm to the child. What is going to happen?

现在你跑到了另一个极端。在原始治疗和其他事情上，这个可能会发生。现在你觉得你在伤害孩子。你母亲认为她在为你好，可她伤害了你。现在你认为你在伤害孩子。想一想——即便想着她是为你好，你母亲还是伤害了你，现在你认为你在伤害孩子。会发生什么？

Just be natural -- these extremist points are not good. In the old times children use to be afraid of the parents, now the parents are afraid of the children -- but fear remains! The wheel has moved, but it is the same fear; whether from this side or from that side. Fear has not disappeared; and a relationship can exist only when there is no fear. Love is possible only when there is no fear.

保持自然——那些极端观点是不好的。过去，孩子经常害怕父母，现在，父母害怕孩子了——但恐惧犹在！轮子转了，但还是同样的恐惧；无论是从这边还是另一边。恐惧并没有消失；只有没有恐惧时，关系才能存在。只有没有恐惧时，爱才是可能的。

If the child is afraid of the parent, love is not possible. If the parent is afraid of the child, love is not possible. How can you love in fear? Now you are afraid of the child -- that some harm may happen, that you may do something wrong. You will become so self-conscious about it -- so much so that you will do harm, because you will lose all naturalness and all spontaneity.

如果孩子害怕父母，那么爱是不可能的。如果父母害怕孩子，爱也是不可能的。你如何在恐惧之中去爱人？现在你害怕孩子——可能会出现一些伤害，你可能会做错什么。你会变得对此非常自觉——以至于你会带来伤害，因为你失去了所有的自然和所有的自发性。

Just try to be a human being. Don't try to be an idealist and don't try to be a perfectionist. All perfectionistic people are neurotic. A sane person is never a perfectionist. Whatsoever he can do, he does, and then it is finished. So simply be yourself.

试着做一个普通人。不要试图变成一个理想主义者，不要试图成为一个完美主义者。所有的完美主义者都是神经病。一个神志正常的人从来不是完美主义者。无论他能做什么，他都会去做，然后事情就结束了。所以就做你自己。

And one thing for you and for every body else here: the relationship between the child and the mother is such that it can never be perfect -- it is impossible. Some problem will always be there. You change one problem, another will arise, because the very relationship is such.

我跟你和在场的每个人说：母子关系永远不会完美——这是不可能的。总是有问题在。你改变了一个问题，另一个问题就会出现，因为母子关系就是如此。

The child is helpless, the child has no individuality yet. The mother has an individuality. She is not dependent on the child, and the child is dependent on the mother. Both are not equal... cannot be. The mother has power and the child has no power. Now this is natural... you are not responsible for it. If somebody is responsible, maybe it is god.

孩子是无助的，孩子还不独立。母亲是独立的。她不依赖孩子，孩子则依赖母亲。双方并不平等……也不可能。母亲有权，孩子没权。这是自然的……你没有责任。如果谁有责任的话，或许是老天/上帝。

If you give too much freedom to the child, he will die from freedom. If you discipline him too much, you will kill him from discipline. And there is no way to know where the demarcation line is. So whatsoever you do is going to be wrong. If you give too much freedom, the child will be spoiled. If you don't give enough freedom, the child will be spoiled.

如果你给了孩子太多自由，他会因自由而死。如果你对他管教太多，你可能会用管教杀了他。没办法知道界限在哪里。所以你做什么都是错的。如果你给太多自由，孩子会被宠坏。如果自由你给的不够，孩子也会被宠坏。

And down the ages people have tried all alternatives. Sometimes they have tried to discipline the child absolutely. Then whatsoever comes out is an adolf hitler, nazism, fascism; that's what happened in germany. For a hundred years they had been trying to bring up the child according to the perfectionist ideal -- obedience, order, discipline -- so the soul was destroyed. A very very powerful german race was created, but there was no soul. Now that failed.

从古至今人们尝试了所有方案。有时候他们试着对孩子完全的严加管教。结果产生了希特勒、纳粹、法西斯；那就是发生在德国的情况。有100年，他们试图根据完美主义标准来培养孩子——服从，命令，纪律——孩子们的灵魂被摧毁了。一个非常强悍的德国种族诞生了，但他们没有灵魂。现在他们失败了。

The pendulum has moved in America. Seeing that it failed... it created Japan -- Japan is a very very disciplined country -- and Germany... seeing that they created such havoc in the world, such hell, the world mind moved. Intellectuals started saying, 'No more order, no more discipline -- freedom!' So the freedom has created the new generation -- the flower children, the hippies, the yippies. Now if they win, the society will be destroyed completely, because no technology can exist with hippies; no clean, hygienic society can exist with the hippies. No sort of family can exist; everything will be simply topsy-turvy.

钟摆荡到了美国。看到它的失败……它创造出了日本——日本是一个纪律严明的国家——还有德国……看到他们在世上创造出的如此浩劫和地狱，世人改观了。聪明人开始说，“别再命令，别再纪律了——自由！”所以自由创造出了新一代——花癫派，嬉皮士，雅皮士。现在如果他们赢了，社会也会被完全摧毁，因为科技无法跟嬉皮士共存；干净、卫生的社会无法跟嬉皮士共存。家庭也存在不了；一切都会乱七八糟。

They will create another ugly world, and again seeing what hippies have done, people will start moving. Then by that time they will have forgotten nazi Germany, and Hitler; they will again start thinking about how to discipline the children. This is how it has been happening down the ages again and again. But whatsoever you do goes wrong.

他们会创造出另一个丑陋的世界，再看到嬉皮士们所做的，人们会开始改观。到了那时他们就会把纳粹德国和希勒特忘了；他们又会开始想如何管教孩子。自古至今事情就是这样一再发生的。但无论你做什么，都会出错。

So my feeling is: please don't try to do anything. Simply love the child, and leave everything else to god. Love the child, and whatsoever you can do, do. But that doing should not become such a deliberate act as you are trying to do. Simply love! You are a human being with all the flaws and limitations of a human being, and now what can you do?

所以我的感觉是：请不要试图做任何事。只是去爱孩子，把其他的全交给老天。爱孩子，你能做什么就去做，但它不应该是你深思熟虑的行为。只是去爱！你是个人，你有各种缺陷和制约，你能怎么办？

The child has chosen you to be her mother -- it is not just your responsibility. The child is also responsible. She must have some karmas to be born to you, otherwise why? She could have chosen.... There are so many women always ready to receive. She has particularly chosen you, so not only are you responsible -- she is also responsible.

孩子选择了你做她母亲——它并不只是你的责任。孩子也有责任。她选择你生她一定有一些业力在，不然为什么？她本可以选择……总是有很多女人准备好了生孩子。她特意选择了你，所以不只是你有责任——她也有责任。

Now just be natural and be happy! Whatsoever happens out of happiness is good. And whatsoever creates misery in you, drop all that nonsense. Now you have become so miserable. Rather than being happy that you are a mother and a child is there, you are becoming miserable. Your misery will certainly be reflected in the child. The child by and by will become aware that her mother is miserable because of her. Your guilt will be reflected, and you will create a complex in the child.

现在保持自然、开心就好！无论开心带来什么都是好的。无论什么带给你痛苦，把所有的荒唐全放下。现在你已经如此痛苦不堪。你是一个母亲，你有一个孩子，你没有开心，相反，你正变得痛苦不堪。你的痛苦肯定会影响孩子。孩子会逐渐意识到，妈妈痛苦是因为自己。你的愧疚会影响到她，你会让孩子纠结。

Forget about it! Dance with the child, love the child, hug the child... and be natural! Don't listen to the pundits and the experts -- just be natural! Don't you see all the animals? Nobody teaches them how to be a good parent; there exists nothing like transactional analysis -- and they are good parents. Who bothers? Only man is very difficult.

把它忘了！跟孩子一起舞蹈，爱孩子，拥抱孩子……保持自然！别听权威和专家的话——自然就好！你看不到那些动物吗？没有人教它们如何当好父母；它们没有沟通分析这类东西——但它们仍然是好父母。谁在乎？只有人很辛苦。

There have been societies where the child has not to be hugged, because that destroys the child. Too much hugging makes him sissy and limp, spineless. He should be strong from the very beginning, he should be forced to stand on his own feet. And there are societies which say to hug the child, otherwise he will miss the human warmth and he will never be able to love anybody.

有些社会，父母从不拥抱孩子，因为那会毁了孩子。太多拥抱会让孩子柔弱，没骨气。他应该从一开始就强壮，必须迫使他自立。有些社会说要拥抱孩子，不然他会缺少温暖，他永远没办法爱任何人。

Now what to do? In the morning, hug, and in the evening, discipline? What to do? How to divide? One hour hugging, one hour discipline? But then the child will be confused. And he will become very suspicious of the mother -- that she seems to be schizophrenic: one hour she is just sweet, another hour she becomes such a great disciplinarian. The child will become very worried -- she will not know what to do with the mother.

现在怎么做？早上拥抱，晚上管教？怎么做？如何区分？一小时的拥抱，一小时的管教？但那样的话孩子会困惑。他会对非常怀疑——她好像有精神分裂：有一个小时她很甜，另一个小时她却变得非常军纪严明。孩子会非常担心——她不知道拿母亲怎么办。

Whatsoever you are, that you have to share with the child. And whatsoever happens to the child, the child has to take her own responsibility too!

无论你是怎样一个人，你都必须跟孩子分享。无论孩子发生什么，孩子也必须承担她自己的责任。

Now, in the American mind, this is such an absurd notion -- you go to the psychoanalyst and he will say that something is wrong between you and your mother, so your mother is responsible. Now he has taken responsibility away from you... it feels very good. Even grown-up people are so foolish, mm? -- lying down in a foolish way on a psychoanalyst's couch, saying silly things, and the psychoanalyst says, 'You are perfectly right -- it is just because of your mother and your relationship with the mother, so your mother is responsible.' And who is responsible for the mother? -- her mother! And who is responsible for her mother? so on and so forth. Finally you find eve! Nobody seems to be responsible then.

现在，美国人脑袋里有一个非常黄荒谬的观念——你去找心理咨询师，他会说你和你母亲之前某些事情出了错，所以你母亲要为此负责。现在他把你的责任拿走了……那感觉非常好。甚至成年人也这么愚蠢，嗯？傻傻的躺在心理咨询师的沙发上，说一些蠢事，心理咨询师说，“你对极了——是因为你母亲，你跟你母亲的关系。所以你母亲要负责。”谁要为母亲负责？——她的母亲！谁要为她母亲负责？等等……最后你谁也找不到！没有人会负责的。

I don't say that they are absolutely wrong -- nobody is ever absolutely wrong -- but people are only extremists, and extremism is wrong. Yes, your mother is a little responsible because she was your mother. Your father is a little responsible, but finally, you are responsible! Whatsoever you have made yourself, others have helped, but in the ultimate analysis you are responsible.

我并不是说他们完全错了——没有人完全错了——但人们是极端份子，极端主义是错的。是的，你的母亲有一些责任，因为她是你母亲。你的父亲有一些责任，但最终，你要负责！无论你把自己变成了什么人，别人是有帮忙，但最终你要负责。

This is one of the basic things religion teaches: you are responsible. Once you feel that you are responsible, you become free; you have a freedom to choose. And then you are no more worried about the past because how can you undo the past? The mother has happened, the birth has happened -- now what to do with it? It is gone!

这是宗教所教导的最基本的事情之一：你要负责。一旦你觉得自己要负责，你就自由了；你有选择的自由。接着你不再担心过去，因为你如何能纠正过去？母亲生了你——你能怎么办？它已经不复存在！

If you are aware, in this moment of intense awareness, the whole past can be burned out. There is no need for any primal therapy. It is only for mediocre minds that you have to go into such things. If you are really intelligent, just a single moment of awareness -- it is finished! The past is no more there! You can cut yourself away from it in a single stroke. There is no need to go inch by inch. In a single stroke of understanding, you can cut yourself away from the past -- that's what I mean by sannyas.

如果你有觉知，这一刻强烈的觉知，就能烧掉整个过去。不需要做任何原始治疗。这些东西是给那些平庸之人准备的。如果你真聪明，一刻的觉知就足够了——结束了！过去已经不在了！你一刀就能切断过去。没有必要一寸一寸的来。一旦你明白了，你一下子就能切断过去。这就是我所谓的门徒。

So just be natural, loving and don't carry any ideals. Don't listen to experts; these are the most mischievous people in the world -- the experts. Just listen to your heart. If you feel like hugging, hug. Sometimes you feel like hitting the child, hit. And don't be worried that some great psychoanalyst says not to hit the child. Who is he to dominate you? From where does he get the authority?

所以保持自然，爱她，不要有任何理想标准。不要听专家的话，他们是最害人的害人精——专家。听从你的心。如果你想拥抱，就拥抱。如果有时候你想打孩子，就打。别担心某些大心理分析师说的，不要打孩子。他是谁，可以控制你？他哪来的权威性？

Sometimes it is good to be angry. The child has to learn that his or her mother is a human being and that she can be angry too. And if you are angry, the child feels also free to be angry. If you are never angry, the child feels guilty. How to be angry with a mother who is always so sweet?

有时候生气是好的。孩子会学到，自己的母亲也是个人，她也能生气。如果你生气，孩子也会觉得生气是自由的。如果你从不生气，孩子会愧疚。如何对一个总是这么甜的母亲生气？

Mothers have tried to be so sweet that their whole taste is lost -- they become like saccharine... they create an artificial diabetes. Don't be just sweet -- sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet as the mood arises. And let the child know that the mother has her own moods and climates -- she is a human being just as he is. And the child will see that if the mother can be angry, he can also be angry. And it is good. Yes, sometimes not to be okay is good. So drop this, mm?

母亲们试图很甜，甜到她们的味道都没了——她们变得跟糖精一样……她们制造了人工糖尿病。别光甜——有时候苦一点，有时候甜一点，随着你的心情。让孩子知道，母亲也有自己的情绪和心情——她跟孩子一样都是人。孩子会看到，如果母亲能生气，他也能生气。这是好的。是的，有时候不OK是好的。所以把它放下，嗯？

Excerpted from：OSHO Blessed Are the Ignorant

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